Well the last couple of days have been a real break through for me on many levels.  For a very long time I honestly thougth I was doing my best to make things work out with someone in order to have some sort of relationship with this person.  What I failed to realize is that I was my own worst enemy because of my own fear that I did not realize was playing a part in my actions.  I think one of the most difficult and hardest things in our journey of self-discovery and growth is to realize our own fears when they are hidden under layers of other complicated issues.  Sometimes it takes the simpliest gesture from someone else to touch that place deep inside of you to break down those walls you erect around your heart or self (even though some of those walls may be invisible to you).  That is what happen this past saturday.  Someone made such a simple gesture to me that it touched me deep down inside and made me realize that it wasnt her or the situation or the outsiders of our relationship that created a road block from it moving forward, it was my own fear to let her in.  The fear of loss, the fear of pain, the fear of change.  It made me take down all those walls and push past that fear to the possibilities that i had not only denied myself, but those i cared about.  There was a lot fear facing and growth accomplished on Saturday night for not only myself, but for those i care very much for.  Nothing is impossible unless you create that impossiblity yourself.   I ended up opening a new door on my journey.  Where its going to take me doesnt matter, how I get there today is the important part. 

I made a gesture back to this person.  I asked her to co-top me w/Sir.  Anyone that knows me, knows that that is a major step for me in opening myself up to someone on that level.  Scening is very ritualistic for me.  Sharing that with her was the only thing that came to my mind as a way of showing and responding to the gesture she gave to me.  It was an amazing, hot, high energy scene between the three of us.  Leaving the fear, the expectation, the judgements at the entrance of the door and walking thru it without those things in tow, was and equated to an amazing experience - going somewhere and beyond what i thought possible.  The only draw back unfortunately to that was a panic attack... which has been discussed and dealt with by all parties.   There is hope yet that things can and will work out, because those fears we all are having is being faced and shared together. 

When we are on this very difficult journey of self discovery, of giving awareness to our naked flame and allowing it to grow and thrive, all the hardship and pain and fear are part of that journey.  Once a fear is acknowledged, shared, and faced (whether alone or with support) a new door is opened on your journey.  Sometimes the door may close behind you and you move on from what you left at the entrance, sometimes not.  But that is part of the journey.  You keep moving and doing and going forward.  The more doors you open the closer you are to your naked flame.  That part of yourself that burns brightly and is true of who you are.  Its a never ending journey, for you will always change and evolve into more as you experience, learn and live more.  

So what I have i learned.  To be open to myself.  To be aware of my own fears/actions/judgements daily.  To leave those behind me and live in the present and to stop trying to plan for a future that I can not control.  To be more open to others. 

On an added note for you, my Sempai, I get what the "meaning" of the sound of one hand clapping is.  The sound for me is the sound of a door opening and closing.  :P   *muah*  

Another important lesson that i learned this week was that no one is right or wrong in any given situation because we all have our own perceptions of how things are; how we need them to be, or want them to be - when in reality sometimes we just have to let things be as they truly are and build from that foundation and leave our own expectations at the door so that things can progress in a natural way without clouding that reality w/our own perceptions of what we think we need or want. 

Another valuable lesson that i learned this week is that is very important to take responsibility for my own actions, feelings, and thoughts and that no one else is responsible for those but me.  I have to own and accept all the fears, doubts, insecurities, and feelings that i have and realize that they arent going to be changed or worked through by anyone but myself.  No matter what someone tells me in an attempt to help change a fear, insecurity, or doubt that I have, that change will not simply occur no matter what kind of reassurance I am given until I accept in myself those truths and work through it myself.  I am the only person who can truly change those doubts, fears, or insecurities.  It is my responsibility to do so.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help to work those fears or insecurites but to have the expectation that it's someone else responsibility to change those doubts and fears for me; will only make the fears and doubts remain even longer... they will never truly go away until they are faced and dealt with by me.  I have to have faith, belief and security in myself  to overcome those fears so that i can be of service to those in my life.

We all have our own demons, fears, and doubts that we all have to work through and deal with on a daily basis.  Where we fail to succeed in conquering those battles is when we have the expectation that its someone elses responsibility to fix them or to make them go away.  There is no shame or defeat in asking for help in coping and dealing w/these fears or doubts, but the ultimate challenge is recognozing that we ourselves are the only one who can fix or make those fears go away.

I struggle with this on a daily basis.. and I rely heavily on my network of friends and support to help me get through and cope with my own inner struggles.  I talk about what is bothering me and I acknowledge and accept what my fears are and ask for advice on how to defeat or overcome those fears.  I gradually overcome those fears and insecurites by believing and having faith in myself and trusting those around me to be supportive of me while i process those fears and doubts.  Sometimes the first step to overcoming those doubts and fears is to call them out, bring them out in the open and talk about them. 

This is just the beginning.  More changes are to come if it kills me :)

Lacy, your eyes say you're Naturally Stunning

Fresh and laid-back, you take the same approach to your makeup as you do to life: Easy does it. We'd guess you're a no-muss, no-fuss kind of gal who doesn't like to spend too much time in front of the mirror. But that doesn't mean you still don't love to look great. You just do it in your own effortless way.

Truth be told, it's your grounded nature and straightforward sensibilities that make you so attractive. When someone looks you in the eyes, they immediately sense your integrity and down-to-earth spirit. And what could be more beautiful than that?

But research shows there's a lot you can do to improve your memory. And if you do, it can help you function in more ways than you'd think. There are 6 main types of memory, which help us interpret and store different types of information. You scored highest in reading memory.

That kind of memory allows you to interpret the meaning of a reading passage, and store a general sense of it for later use while you continue to read along. If interrupted, you're better able than others to recall what you've just read. This type of skill also makes it easier for you than others to remember specific facts and details that you pick up from reading.

Based on your answers about values, past behaviors, and internal priorities, we can tell you look for ways to be independent, to understand how things work, to have new and diverse experiences, or to explore sexuality. In addition, you may find that you're also motivated by aspects of prestige, stability, connection, and experience.

Here's your results! Your spirit animal has a Nobility ranking of 14 out of 18.

Your spirit animal is the Grizzly Bear. No other spirit animal matches it's size and strength. This creature is among the noblest and most respectable, and you are truly fortunate. It is both fearsome and awesome to behold. It will serve you well, and shows that you have a deeper understanding than most. It is quite rare indeed to have a Grizzly as a spirit animal!

***Wondering how this animal was chosen for you? These questions were carefully thought out to see how important you hold certain virtues such as: humanism, self-knowledge, rationalism, the love of freedom and other somewhat Hellenic ideals. Some of the questions were very subtle. Your score was then matched with an animal of corresponding nobility. However, you shouldn't think this was a right/wrong sort of test, but more of an idealistic values test. It's ok to not hold these values, you'll just get an animal spirit of lower stature if you do!***

Wow it has been a long time since I have posted.  So many things have happened and yet I dont even know where to begin.  Life has changed and evolved... some clarity has been obtained and some thoughts and feelings are so obscure that I am still sifting through them.  I recently took some time away from everyone because I felt like I needed to rebalance my many facets of life.  This was a great time to reflect, process and grow.  Relationships were given a new perspective and are flowing more smoothly in my heart.

As recommended by a friend, I read a book called "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" and OMG.. that book hit home.... there were so many things that stood out for me in that book that paralleled so much of what I have been feeling lately.  

One of the biggest revelations that hit me was that everything is in me.  The only way to make changes is to let go of the fear of changing and only I can make the choice to do that.... That has been the hardest for me to do.  I am making small steps toward gaining happiness and the only obstacle in my path is myself.  Some one very special in my life is being very patient with me and my resistance to change.  For that I thank him.  I have not changed my mind about following my chosen path.  Getting there is part of the challenge.  

Over the past few weeks, I have been focusing on practicing staying calmer, expending less energy on being angry and focusing on balancing my emotions.  I am consciously practicing mindful breathing, until it becomes an unconscious act.  I am practicing on responding instead of reacting to situations and emotions., which I may say I have had many people who know me very well, say they have seen a small difference.   I am practicing to take the words, can't and try, out of my vocabulary. 

Small changes are occurring that are tangible and encouraging.  To turn away now, I would fail myself and my amazing teacher.  I know it is a long road ahead and I know I have to let go of my fear of the journey.  Mind, Body, Emotion, and spirit, I have to work on all areas, not just one at a time.  That is my block in thinking I could do it one at a time.  ITs time to change that thinking.  

You believe that people are inherently good and tend to listen to your heart in important matters. You are gentle and have a sincere desire to help and trust others. You are straightforward but don't tend to brag about yourself or your lot in life. You're amenable to people's suggestions, and you are good at helping people realize their own talents, which only makes people like you more. Compared to others who are agreeable, youare unusually easy to get along with. Only 0.5% are unusually easy to get along with. Only 0.5% of all test takers have this unique combination of personality strengths.

Lacy, Following Your Passions Exhilarates You

Love makes the world go round. For a true romantic like you, nothing invigorates you more than affairs of the heart. Affectionate and charming, you appreciate the people in your life, whether they're friends, family, or sweethearts. That's why your signature scent is as sweet and intoxicating as you.

From your work to your hobbies to your social life, you've got a great passion for the things you pursue. You're in touch with your emotions and know what you want. And it's your strong sense of self that lets you follow your heart when it comes to big decisions. No wonder you have so many admirers!

You tend to be an open and trusting romantic partner. You find it relatively easy to get close to people, and are generally comfortable depending on others.

Attachment style begins in infancy with the interactions we have with our parents or primary caregivers. Through these early relationships we begin to understand the dynamics and patterns of close relationships and we carry this perspective into our adult relationships.

10% of those who have taken our test share this style of attachment.

When you choose a romantic partner you tend to gravitate towards those who have what psychologists call a preoccupied attachment style. These are people who show a great deal of openness and are eager to get close in a relationship. People with this attachment style can be very devoted partners.

Your answers on our test show that when it comes to relationships you have grown beyond your earliest attachment issues. While you may not have every issue resolved, you're making substantial progress at establishing healthy relationship patterns

Your giving and honest nature makes you the kind of person almost anyone would be proud to call a friend. As one who places a high value on your personal integrity, you seem to try to live by the ol' Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Because of this inclination, you're the type to insist on taking responsibility for your actions, even in difficult circumstances. You also appear to take conscious steps to honor your commitments to others.

Who are you compatible with?

The values types you're most likely to click with — whether in business relationships or in love — are those types that most closely resemble your own set of values. As a result, people with the same type are usually the most compatible. But besides being with another Responsible Friend, the two types that you most closely match with are Forgiving Humanitarian and Ethical Benefactor

You are the kind of jovial people-person who can brighten almost anyone's day. You take great enjoyment in having deep emotional attachments; that's true both in love, as well as with your friends and family. As a result, when it comes to romance, you're likely to seek out a partner you can feel completely bonded to and share your innermost thoughts with. Once you've found this special someone, you'll likely keep them happy with your caring nature and sometimes-goofy sense of humor.

Okay I am not very sure how valid this is but this is what i found so far: 

This chakra is located in the center of your chest, near your heart. The fourth chakra represents higher emotions, such as love, tenderness, and compassion. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your fourth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to possess an emotional maturity and depth that allows you to empathize with others. Whether you're interacting with strangers or the people closest to you, your fourth chakra conveys the kind of true compassion that can set others at ease.

to begin learning:  Thanks to a special friend for typing this.  I hope you dont mind I am borrowing to post on my LJ so that I can have a freindly reminder.   
*bows respectfully*  

I am thinking about all that we have talked about.  I will work on your assignment for me and get with you on it :)  **with lots of love**